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Juiced: A Cleanse Story

Part I

Captain’s Log. Stardate 11503.15
The energy of spring is upon us. Commonly at this time of year, reports arise from patients having the urge or inclination to start “a cleanse.” Having no experience with cleanses myself, I decide to embark upon a voyage of my own – to boldly go where I have never gone before. I choose the most common cleanse I hear of: The Juice Cleanse. True to my pragmatic nature, I decide to do just one day.

(I did a cleanse for the first time and sent myself text messages to keep record of what I was experiencing. This article is based on those texts.)

8:00 am I wake up, and drink a large glass of water, as instructed, followed by a “lemonade” that has pepper in it and reminds me of what it might be like to be a lady who swallows fire in the circus. Based on this experience, I am not particularly excited about the future, but apparently my juices go bad if not consumed by the end of the day. Onward.

11:15 am I am at work, and in a good humor. I have another lemonade-type drink under my belt. My senses are sharp. Is this how wild animals feel?

12:30 pm Lunchtime. I consider quitting because I am hungry and it’s lunch time. Then I say to myself, “If you quit now you’ll never know, or you’ll have to start over.” Then my inner coach pipes in,”Don’t tell me you can’t just stick this out for one day – some people fast for a month and don’t even drink juice! Suck it up, Careaga!” My inner coach is brutal, probably due to a lack of breakfast. Nevertheless, there is some truth behind the words and it now it becomes about challenging my willpower and showing myself I can do whatever I want. Eye of the tiger, baby.

1:37 pm I have urinated like 1,000 times already. I’m hungry. Whose idea was this anyway? I thought it would be more dramatic regarding…output, but all I do is pee (note to self: email Weird Al idea for parody on “All I Do is Win”) (Other note to self: YouTube Emma Stone lip-syncing that song on Jimmy Fallon again. It is so great.)

1:39 pm I come to terms with the fact that all this juice tastes like dirt. I like the melon dirt flavor best.

2:00 pm Hangry! Luckily the children are napping so the only one who has to put up with me is me…

2:12 pm I console myself that all this urination may be a good flush for the old kidneys

2:54 pm I am nearly murdered by a ginger shot that sets my throat on fire. What is the deal with all this heat?! I consider pouring this “beverage” down the sink but am afraid it would damage the pipes.

3:55 pm I’ve crossed some sort of lunch hump. Now it’s easier than I thought it would be…I just look at food and say, “That’s not what I’m doing today,” even though I am hungry. Slight headache, a little dizzy, I consider passing out, but I don’t really have the time…

3:58 pm Muscles…weak…eyes…dim…head…weird…so tired…

4:02 pm Foggy thinking

4:03 pm Heavy head

4:41 pm Drinking the almond milk “juice” now. Whoever put this at the end knew what they were doing. If this were another juice, I would lose my mind, but because it is thick and more filling, it’s much better.

4:46 pm It feels really good to be done. Although, the juice is over before the day is. So I’m nervous about that.

6:46 pm Why does my abdomen feel like it’s done a thousand sit ups yesterday?

7:00 pm Suddenly I realize I haven’t had any cravings all day. Hunger, but not cravings. Just the urge to chew…

7:29 pm Weird abdominal pain. You know what this feels like? It feels like I am recovering from a great sickness…like I’ve been ill and vomiting for three days and hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel normal again…

7:39 pm So lethargic…I just want to go to bed…

7:47 pm Lost .4 lbs since this morning. My head feels like it’s gained 10 lbs. Stomach hurts, slightly bloated.

8:14pm Tired. Going to bed. Hang in there, little spleen.

What will happen to our hero? Tune in next time for “Juiced: A Cleanse Part II”
(Spoiler alert: I survived to type this so I’m probably ok!)

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